The United Muslimahs: July 2011

Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the sister of ‘Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and said: “O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behavior, but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “Will you give his garden back to him?” - her mahr had been a garden. She said, “Yes.” So Allah’s Messenger sent word to him: “Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce.”

From: The Ideal Muslim Woman and Her Husband
(An Excerpt from the Book “The Ideal Muslimah: The True Islâmic Personality of the Muslim Woman as Defined in the Qur’ân and Sunnah”)
By Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi
@http://www.wefound.org/texts/Ideal_Muslims_files/herhusband.htm

The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) warned those foolish women who ask their husbands for a divorce with no legitimate reason that they would be denied even the scent of Paradise:

“Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce with no good reason will be deprived of even smelling the scent of Paradise.”

Divorcing a woman by talaaq when she is pregnant

Divorcing a woman by talaaq when she is pregnant
My husband divorced me while I was pregnant than before I gave birth to my child he came back and said that we are not divorced since pregnant women can’t be divorced. So I would like to know am I really divorced or not. My husband and I love each other very much and now we have a baby son. Please do reply to me as soon as possible.

Praise be to Allaah.
Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked whether a woman may be divorced by talaaq when she is pregnant. He said:
This is an idea which is common among some people. Some of the people think that a pregnant woman cannot be divorced by talaaq. I do not know where they get this idea from, for it has no basis in the words of the scholars. Rather the view of all the scholars is that a pregnant woman can be divorced by talaaq. There is consensus on this point among the scholars, and there is no dispute. Talaaq according to the Sunnah means that a woman may be divorced in two cases:
1 – She may be divorced when she is pregnant; this is a Sunnah divorce and is not bid’ah.
2 – She should be taahir (pure, i.e., not menstruating) and her husband should not have touched her (i.e., had intercourse with her), i.e., she should have become taahir following menstruation or nifaas (post-natal bleeding) and before he has intercourse with her. Talaaq in this case is in accordance with the Sunnah.
Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 1/45-46
So long as he took her back during the ‘iddah, then she is still his wife, because the ‘iddah of a woman who is pregnant ends when she gives birth, and her husband took her back before she gave birth. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And for those who are pregnant (whether they are divorced or their husbands are dead), their ‘Iddah (prescribed period) is until they lay down their burden”
[al-Talaaq 65:4]
This is the ‘iddah of the pregnant woman whether she is divorced or widowed. The husband should count this as one talaaq. And Allaah knows best.
Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid;

How should a man take back his wife after divorcing her?

How should a man take back his wife after divorcing her?

I know when getting married a person needs their parents blessing and consent but what if a married couple are separated and are considering returning to each other, do they still need their parents blessing all over again?

Praise be to Allaah.

If a man divorces his wife and this is the first or second talaaq and she has not ended her ‘iddah (by giving birth if she is pregnant or by the passage of three menstrual cycles), then he can take his wife back by saying, “I am taking you back” or “I am keeping you.” Then his taking her back is valid. Or he may do some action intending thereby to take her back, such as having intercourse with the intention of taking her back.

The Sunnah is to have two witnesses to the fact that he has taken her back, so that two witnesses testify to that, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Then when they are about to attain their term appointed, either take them back in a good manner or part with them in a good manner. And take as witness two just persons from among you (Muslims)”[al-Talaaq 65:2]

In this manner a man may take his wife back.

But if the ‘iddah has ended following a first or second talaaq, then there has to be a new marriage contract. In this case he has to propose marriage like any other man, to her guardian and to her. When she and her guardian agree and they agree upon a mahr, then the marriage contract is completed. That must be done in the presence of two just witnesses.

But if the divorce is the final – i.e., third – divorce, then she becomes haraam for him until another man has married her, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“And if he has divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she has married another husband” [al-Baqarah 2:230]

So it is not permissible for him to marry her unless she has been married to another man and the marriage has been consummated, then he leaves her either through death or divorce. This marriage must be a legitimate shar’i marriage; if she marries him just to make it permissible for her to go back to her first husband, that is not permitted and she does not become permissible (to the first husband).

See Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeez ibn Baaz, 1/195-201.

60 Quranic Ayat's To Help in Every Way of Life...

1. Respect and honour all human beings irrespective of their religion, colour, race, sex, language, status, property, birth, profession/job and so on [17/70]

2. Talk straight, to the point, without any ambiguity or deception [33/70]

3. Choose best words to speak and say them in the best possible way [17/53, 2/83]

4. Do not shout. Speak politely keeping your voice low. [31/19]

5. Always speak the truth. Shun words that are deceitful and ostentatious [22/30]

6. Do not confound truth with falsehood [2/42]

7. Say with your mouth what is in your heart [3/167]

8. Speak in a civilized manner in a language that is recognized by the society and is commonly used [4/5]

9. When you voice an opinion, be just, even if it is against a relative [6/152]

10. Do not be a bragging boaster [31/18]

11. Do not talk, listen or do anything vain [23/3, 28/55]

12. Do not participate in any paltry. If you pass near a futile play, then pass by with dignity [25/72]

13. Do not verge upon any immodesty or lewdness whether surreptitious or overt [6/151].

14. If, unintentionally, any misconduct occurs by you, then correct yourself expeditiously [3/134].

15. Do not be contemptuous or arrogant with people [31/18]

16. Do not walk haughtily or with conceit [17/37, 31/18]

17. Be moderate in thy pace [31/19]

18. Walk with humility and sedateness [25/63]

19. Keep your gazes lowered devoid of any lecherous leers and salacious stares [24/30-31, 40/19].

20. If you do not have complete knowledge about anything, better keep your mouth shut. You might think that speaking about something without full knowledge is a trivial matter. But it might have grave consequences [24/15-16]

21. When you hear something malicious about someone, keep a favorable view about him/her until you attain full knowledge about the matter.
Consider others innocent until they are proven guilty with solid and truthful evidence [24/12-13]

22. Ascertain the truth of any news, lest you smite someone in ignorance and afterwards repent of what you did [49/6]

23. Do not follow blindly any information of which you have no direct knowledge. (Using your faculties of perception and conception) you must verify it for yourself. In the Court of your Lord, you will be held accountable for your hearing, sight, and the faculty of reasoning [17/36].

24. Never think that you have reached the final stage of knowledge and nobody knows more than yourself. Remember! Above everyone endowed with knowledge is another endowed with more knowledge [12/76]. Even the Prophet [p.b.u.h] was asked to keep praying, "O My sustainer! Advance
me in knowledge." [20:114]

25. The believers are but a single Brotherhood. Live like members of one family, brothers and sisters unto one another [49/10].

26. Do not make mockery of others or ridicule others [49/11]

27. Do not defame others [49/11]

28. Do not insult others by nicknames [49/11]

29. Avoid suspicion and guesswork. Suspicion and guesswork might deplete your communal energy [49/12]

30. Spy not upon one another [49/12]

31. Do not backbite one another [49/12]

32. When you meet each other, offer good wishes and blessings for safety. One who conveys to you a message of safety and security and also when a courteous greeting is offered to you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous or (at least) of equal courtesy [4/86]

33. When you enter your own home or the home of somebody else, compliment the inmates [24/61]

34. Do not enter houses other than your own until you have sought permission; and then greet the inmates and wish them a life of
blessing, purity and pleasure [24/27]

35. Treat kindly
" Your parents
" Relatives
" The orphans
" And those who have been left alone in the society [4/36]

36. Take care of
" The needy,
" The disabled
" Those whose hard earned income is insufficient to meet their needs
" And those whose businesses have stalled
" And those who have lost their jobs. [4/36]

37. Treat kindly
" Your related neighbors, and unrelated neighbors " Companions by your side in public gatherings, or public transportation. [4/36]

38. Be generous to the needy wayfarer, the homeless son of the street, and the one who reaches you in a destitute condition [4/36]

39. Be nice to people who work under your care. [4/36]

40. Do not follow up what you have given to others to afflict them with reminders of your generosity [2/262].

41. Do not expect a return for your good behavior, not even thanks [76/9]

42. Cooperate with one another in good deeds and do not cooperate with others in evil and bad matters [5/2]

43. Do no try to impress people on account of self-proclaimed virtues [53/32]

44. You should enjoin right conduct on others but mend your own ways first. Actions speak louder than words. You must first practice good deeds yourself, then preach [2/44]

45. Correct yourself and your families first [before trying to correct others] [66/6]

46. Pardon gracefully if anyone among you who commits a bad deed out of ignorance, and then repents and amends [6/54, 3/134]

47. Divert and sublimate your anger and potentially virulent emotions to creative energy, and become a source of tranquility and comfort to people [3/134]

48. Call people to the Way of your Lord with wisdom and beautiful exhortation. Reason with them most decently [16/125]

49. Leave to themselves those who do not give any importance to the Divine code and have adopted and consider it as mere play and amusement [6/70]

50. Sit not in the company of those who ridicule Divine Law unless they engage in some other conversation [4/140]

51. Do not be jealous of those who are blessed [4/54]

52. In your collective life, make rooms for others [58/11]

53. When invited to dine, Go at the appointed time. Do not arrive too early to wait for the preparation of meal or linger after eating to engage in bootless babble. Such things may cause inconvenience to the host [33/53]

54. Eat and drink [what is lawful] in moderation [7/31].

55. Do not squander your wealth senselessly [17/26]

56. Fulfill your promises and commitments [17/34]

57. Keep yourself clean, pure [9/108, 4/43, 5/6].

58. Dress-up in agreeable attire and adorn yourself with exquisite character from inside out [7/26]

59. Seek your provision only by fair endeavor [29/17, 2/188]

60. Do not devour the wealth and property of others unjustly, nor bribe the officials or the judges to deprive others of their possessions [2/188]

'You' and 'I': The Art of Communication in Marital Life

He said he was coming in ten minutes’ time. Ten minutes pass, half an hour, an hour, and then he shows up....

The wife: "You said ten minutes, and I have been waiting here for an hour."
The husband: "Forgive me, there was too much traffic."

The wife: "This is not the first time. That’s the way you are; always late. You should have called me."

The husband: "My phone is out of credit, and I have no credit to call."

The wife: "How can I trust you? Do you think I am stupid and that all I have to do is to wait for you?"

He looks at her in confusion and stops talking.
Dear husband and wife,

The husband started with a real excuse, then he chose to protect his marital bond through silence...

Change the "you" into an "I":

The term "you" is nothing but a formula for failure in communicating with your husband. It means:“You are guilty and responsible and you have to change. But I am not responsible.”

"I" means that you are thinking in an attempt to interpret the cause of anger. In the above example, the wife is angry, not because the husband is late but because she feels that she is not important to him, which leads to frustration and then anger. This emotion builds up as time passes, and as her attempt to interpret the cause of his delay continues, it leads to other thoughts:

"He always neglects me."
"He gives no importance to me."
"His work is more important to him than me."
"He thinks I have no feelings."

Another emotion:

Why not express the reaction to the delay by using a different emotion?
Feeling sad because she is lonely?

Being afraid that he should be concerned with anything more than her?

Feeling guilty lest she may have done something which made him come home late?

Fearing that something bad might have happened to him?

Sometimes, she could be glad because she managed to be ready before his arrival.

So, when she meets him, she could say:

"I am sad that you came home late, because this means that I am not important to you."

"If only you knew how afraid I was because you were late… I thought something might have happened to you and I was so worried about you."

"If only you knew how eagerly I await you coming home!"

Then, watch him with his eyes sparkling, approaching you, trying to prove the opposite of that. No man on earth can resist such a reception. If the man were to know that he would be received in this way, surely, he would do his best to arrive as soon as possible the next time. Conversely, if he knows there will be a dispute, he will say to himself, "A quarrel is awaiting me anyway, whether I am late for ten minutes or an hour."

In order not to aggravate the situation, the husband could have said to her when he arrived, "I know that you are upset because I am late and that you have been waiting for me. I apologize."

If each of the spouses leaves the "you" formula, the dialogue will remain open, otherwise, frustration will recur, giving room for anger and resentment to accumulate, which makes any further communication even more difficult.

"I" means that you should ask yourself: "Why am I aggravated?" If you know and address the real cause of aggravation, the pent-up feelings will not accumulate and the reaction will not be negative.

Men must realize that women naturally incline towards caring for others, and devote themselves wholeheartedly to doing so. When a woman’s husband is late, she is concerned about that, and may become tense, and her life and housework may come to a halt because she is worried about him.

The wife should realize that saying "I" instead of "You", and expressing herself using her emotional intelligence will go a long way towards maintaining the channels of communication between her and her husband, instead of silence and an end to dialogue.

Iblees and Aadam… I and you

Consider, dear reader, the difference between the speech of Iblees (Satan), may Allaah curse him, and the speech of Aadam . In the Noble Quran, Iblees says (what means): {"My Lord, because You have put me in error}[Quran 15:39] i.e. 'You are the cause', Exalted and Hallowed be Allaah The Almighty from what he says. On the other hand, Aadam says: {"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves} [Quran 7:23] it means he holds himself responsible for the sin.

source: Islamweb..

@http://pink-pearll.blogspot.com/2011/07/you-and-i-art-of-communication-in.html